WHAT'S UP? :)

 It has been a while since I last posted something here!

Life still goes on despite all the craziness that happened throughout the 9 months of 2020. Still working at the same place, holding the same title, doing the same thing, still yoga and pilates (well yoga MORE THAN pilates, will reflect on this =^= ), still working from the time before sun rises fully until the time after sun sets fully.

What are you up to? ;)

Sixth

Took nearby Dataran Merdeka ;)

Officially a 6-month-er at work.

Truly tiring yet somewhat productive, constantly trying hard to strike a work-life balance. My biggest wish for the working life of mine in the coming brand new year, only one and the ultimate one, is to be more careful and try to avoid as much mistakes, huge or little, as I can.

Working with HK people is never an easy thing, you can feel me if you have been in that situation before. Their fast-paced culture, really no joke.

In these few months, people come and some leave.
Olaf sang:
-
One day when I'm old and wise
I'll think back and realize
That these were all completely normal events
Ah!
-

So does that mean I am old and wise enough already? It feels sad to watch them go actually, but surprisingly I am not as moody as how I was before. Everyone has their own path, different from one another. I can't help feeling emotional at times but meanwhile I still give them my whole-hearted blessings. Because they deserve to be at the place that they are meant to be and they wish to be.


Well, Merry Christmas and Happy 2020 - the end of a decade and the beginning of another! To you who are reading this :)

Listening to: Reneé Dominique - Somewhere only we know.

I still wish I could be at somewhere no one knows me in 2020, my wish for so many years already but responsibilities don't allow me to ;) To feel my stress unwinding and not feeling the calling of the grown-up responsibilities. Refresh everything and start again.

Reneé Dominique - Somewhere only we know.

Third.

Hello and goodbye, third month.

It has been a tough month, and soon I will be granted with more responsibilities.

Anyway.
That was a month with a lot of work, which have somehow messed up my routine and lifestyle a bit. Got no time to think about a meal properly, got home super late occasionally, couldn't hold back my tears of having no time to rest well even on weekends, 'cause they drained all my energy away that I couldn't complete all the tasks neatly, be it at work or at home.

While wiping tears away and continue to stomp through the challenges life throws at me, I am still thankful for being able to come this far. Gratefully hard work paid off, and the result is leading me to a new beginning. I might be tripping over more stones on my next journey, but I know everything worths.

The past weekend was a magical weekend ✨

I joined my first brush lettering workshop conducted by thewhitepaperco.
Jenice the teacher, requested us to prepare a quote beforehand.

So I prepared: BE A SUNFLOWER IN A FIELD OF ROSES.

No doubt that I googled. But this caught me among millions of quotes online. I have my own definition on this though.

Not only it gives me strength to be different despite the peer pressure around, 'sunflower' also gives me vibes of positivity and reminds me of the virtue of gratitude. 

'Positivity' comes from : Sunflowers are always facing the direction where the sun is.

'Gratitude' comes from : While they are always facing the sun, they must be grateful that, the worse condition can happen if there isn't a sun.

That sounds artificial but it ain't artificial. I didn't make them up just to make them fit.

Disclaimer: Well roses aren't bad at all. (I am not discriminating any flower I like roses too)

My first baby step of brush lettering, not the perfect strokes as compared to others, of course.

These past 3 months were definitely months of change for me. But I'm thankful enough that working like a busy bee have anyhow made me started to take learning seriously. Just anything.

The one thing that I realise at my age, and the one thing that I want to remind myself always, is that don't wait, if you want something, act on it ; if you want to learn something, learn it ; If you have an idea, plan and realise it.

Then I went to KOKUYO open day.
Magically I won the 'grand prize' from the mini game ✨
Not something expensive but I felt really happy for it, a magical moment that I want to remember, a little gift that heals my brain and soul from the rough adulting life. And another that I felt happy for, finally I am using my own salary to buy my dad something he wants and likes ❤️. It may not seem to be anything for you, but that means something to me.

The 'grand prize' that I got from gachapon lucky draw after completed mini games.

And first tote bag bought using my own salary haha.

Third month full with emotions but not too much thoughts, feel this monthly concluding blogpost contains more crap than ever.

Fourth month ahead, busier month ahead.

Second.

Entering another working month.

To me, the job not only saves me economically, I think the job itself did a great job in soothing my tense nerve of feeling constantly unworthy by myself, relieving me emotionally.

Now I feel life is being good to me, that I sleep well every night, eat home-cooked/self-cooked lunch often, having tasks to occupy myself the whole day until the negative thoughts (like the most negative one you can imagine) are slowly disappearing. The lyrics that would probably suit the condition right here right now : [I once was lost, but now I'm found].

I thank the inner light that always guides me through.

Every stage of life had taught me a lesson. Every single one of them. And every transition between these stages, they once made me heartbroken and feeling lost in the journey. Looking back each of them, feeling thankful of being able to absorb and break through. I believe there's more to come, and I am (hopefully) ready to embrace them.



I had an opportunity to join the company's team building last weekend. We went ANANI VILLA at Bentong, Pahang. A nice place to feel the nature and to be relax. Forget about everything that bothers you so much and stay calm while inhaling the freshest air you could ever have. That place is mostly surrounded by forest, secluded and calm. No busy roads and fussy relationships, just you and the mother nature.

While enjoying the scenic view, my thought started to wander off again. The trees and mountains may have been there for hundred to thousand years already, and they have witnessed so many things all this long, while we are just a part of what they are watching. That makes me think, aren't my problem so tiny as compared to their existence?

And yet I nagged about it all the time and reluctant to let it go.

How funny was I.


But turn it all over, it's how life works. You only realise something is silly when you finally get through everything. People around may have given you advice, but your mind will not listen to them. We always hold on to something we shouldn't have, and only let it go until we are finally awake. It's normal, people. That's how life lessons engrave deeply in us. That's how you will never make the same mistake again and start to value the things that you should embrace.

I believe I am getting through something silly right now, without even myself realising it. Just let it be, I do myself, and allow the light to flow through me, guiding me to a better place in the life-long journey.

In ultimate gratitude, I will continue to work hard, even though contributing a little, continue to love myself more and be thankful for everyone I met and everything I have and will have.


Because the time will come, the sun will rise, and the darkness will go.

Hold on, and the darkness will go.

First.

The end of my first week of working life.

Well another 27 more weeks until probation ends. I don't really mind the title though. What I do concern about is the opportunity to grow, and my own WILLINGNESS to learn. I am happy with my decision to join the company thus far.

And I read <When Breath Becomes Air> by Paul Kalanithi. There is one paragraph that really touches my heart.

"In the end, it cannot be doubted that each of us can see only a part of the picture. The doctor sees one, the patient another, the engineer a third, the economist a fourth, the pearl diver a fifth, the alcoholic a sixth, the cable guy a seventh, the sheep farmer an eighth, the Indian beggar a ninth, the pastor a tenth. Human knowledge is never contained in one person. It grows from the relationships we create between each other and the world, and still it is never complete."

Learning, in essence, is to conquer the fear of accepting something new and challenging.

I can never finish learning. I told myself. For so long I have wanted to work in this industry, but I doubted my ability, and I wondered if this wastes all my effort of becoming a high achiever in Biomedical Science. Shouldn't I be in labs? Shouldn't I be in hospitals?

But in the end, my dad helped me to realise that, no, my degree WILL NEVER be wasted just like this. Degree is my stepping stone, and whatever achievements I acquired in my undergraduate days will be my power and fuel to go higher and further. I have reaped what I sowed before, and now it's time to make use of the produces.

There is so much more that I wanted to see besides career, though this job has almost taken up all of my time. Gaining new experiences, embracing the wonders. Languages, journal doodles and arts, sports, nature, photography, cooking and baking, psychology and inner peace. It may be tough at first to start something new, but slowly your persistence will get you through and the fog that envelope the whole new world will eventually be blown away. To my parents, I have always been more than grateful. They often encourage me to take up something new, to try, to read, to write, to draw, to take up a responsibility in school, to volunteer, to travel, to go to a chocolate making workshop, to go all the way out until I am off my comfort zone.

Yes. It's absolutely worthwhile sailing the ship amidst the ocean of unknown.

The ocean of knowledge. The ocean of unknown.

Thoughts on social media.

I just want to let myself know that I AM NOT AND WILL NOT BE DEFINED BY SOCIAL MEDIA.

Although everything I posted online was true. They were all me. They were all recording what I have done. But I started to doubt myself, why did I ever post things online.

Because every time when I tried to post something, I made sure I put on filters and edit them accordingly until satisfaction. Every time I went shopping I would shop for the fashionable fancies rather than those timeless pieces that will last longer in term of quality and never go out of style, just to make my photos look good. And food, and places, personal belongings. Things that I have bought and I have eaten, or places that I have been to, were out of my eager to make myself looking great online, rather than having myself happy and contented while looking at them physically offline. 

And so one day, I decided to shut myself down for a day and see how would I make it out without social media. And holy moly, I did not even know what to do with the urge of wanting to scroll instagram. That deepens the doubt. I mean, how could I be so obsessed with scrolling through others' life and busy making 'a greater self' so whole-heartedly on social media.

It is not wrong to photoshop your photos (well, taking photographs and editing them are one of my hobbies), just like there isn't anything wrong when you post things online. Social media were created for good and they meant to be connecting people through words and photos, closer and deeper, while the physical distances are parting me from you. The 'wrong' in me was, I was too obsessed until it has emptied out my mind and soul. I should have utilised the world greatest virtual brain, to make progresses in everything that I want to learn. I should have used that for vision expansion. I should have used it out of knowledge-gaining and sharing interesting stuffs and information instead of losing my mind and soul into it, hoping for the virtual likes and loves. 

Here to the reply of your observation (if you have) : Recently I always delete the photos or posts after uploading it online. What am I trying to do?

The reason I deleted the photos after posting it for some time is that, I asked myself why did I post. Sometimes the evil devil of social media obsession won over my sense, so I posted them without thinking. When I have calmed down, I asked myself, why did I post it, is it just to gain likes to make me feel good from the likes I have gained? or I truly find this is a beautiful piece that I want to share it with you?

Well, concluding the points I have made above, still I will not refrain myself from using social media. Instead, I am on the journey to teach myself how to reap benefits from it for good. I try not to make any deletion after posting, so I will have to think before my action, and eventually conquering the evil devil of obsession. Another end of this is that, I don't want myself to develop inferiority and self-abasement. On the first few days of this self-teaching journey, I forced myself to think that 'no one is going to look at your posts and get interested with that, so don't post anything' 'Wah, people gonna bash you for posting this COACH bag, saying you wahh flaunting wealth, so don't post!' (all COACH I have were gifted by my grandmother who comes back once in a while from US, I am not that rich yet), which after a few days I realised that this is not leading to the correct path, but instead I am heading towards another end of 'social media toxication'. 

I am still learning, but at least I thank myself for realising the fault in me and not stepping any deeper into that abyss. Cheers to the first tiny but essential correction that I have made, that is to tidy up my closet and declutter! That makes myself realise that, hey! I have so many classic and pretty pieces that I can wear for a long time, rather than thinking damn! this shirt have already appeared in ONE photo that I have posted before so I must not wear it for photograph again! (How ridiculous I was huh.)

At least I have started to know what I REALLY like and realise the wonder of everything I possessed and would not think of 'everything is not enough, I still want this, I want that too!'. At least I start to love myself, the real-world self. 

Hmmm, what shall I correct next?

Starting to love my real-world self :)

多少个失眠的深夜。

就在刚刚结束的一件事情，配合以前的种种经历，我又一次重新审视自己。

1. 关于靠自己这件事，我确实做得不是很好。

我在网络上看到了流传的这么一句话，“先靠自己，后靠家人，再靠朋友，最后才靠男人”。
我自认自己家境不错，即便不是大富大贵的富户人家，但是至少衣食无忧，对于我来说，已经算是非常不错的了。在金钱方面，我自认从来都不是靠自己的，所以当年升学的时候，为了给弟弟省学费（毕竟我知道我弟弟比我更有天赋），兜兜转转了好几个月，我还是入了本地大学line，拿着不错的成绩，读完了省钱且每个月还有数目虽小的allowance可以拿的大学预科班，再拿着JPA进了国立大学，修完了四年的课程。期间不免爸妈还是会给我零花钱，所以还算得上吃饱睡好不用太过操心花钱的事，也至少对得起良心，并没有把父母和一众纳税人的钱花在太多没必要的事情上。如今要继续研究生的路，不免得要花更多钱，所以开始会想，该怎么样才能靠自己养活自己准时交租水电不被切断不再住在学校的宿舍里受'上面的人'摆布而又能继续升学，每个深夜为此辗转难眠，眼前的这个问题依旧困扰着我，前路依然迷茫。

2. 自律，我知道，能给我自由。

自律这个字是从小就跟我挂上钩的。
与其说是我选择了自律，不如说是自律自小就融入了我的生活。从幼儿园起我就是那种每天会做完功课就复读的奇怪的小孩，再参加幼儿园的各种课后才艺班，倒也不是父母逼着我去的，舞蹈和表演似乎是我与生俱来的兴趣，而拼音班是因为我本来就喜欢我的华语老师。到了中小学，每天上课，周一到周日满满的补习班和课外活动，回到家里功课是刻不容缓的，几乎没有什么能让我懈怠的机会。到了大学预科班，那是不用说的了，周围都是优秀的人，我怎么容得了自己有一点点的不努力，预科班毕业的时候还因为长胖了而花了三个月的时间让自己从47掉到了不反弹的44。后来上了大学，前两年，我还是依然很自律地会提前做完作业，会下午六点运动，会注意自己不要吃肥了。那时的我，可以说是极度自律的。渐渐地，我开始松懈了，原因很多，不便列举。现在的我，虽然继续掉了2公斤，生活品质却比以前差了很多很多。我用了很短的时间就意识到是因为自己的不自律而导致的，却没有办法短时间内让自己恢复自律的生活。以往自律的目标是考取好的成绩，现在只愿2019能让我自律一些，给自己更多自由的时间，才能做好自我提升这件事。

愿自己加油！